The ability to give help with grace, especially when you don’t feel like it.

Birthing and Parenting Partners, this one is for you! There are going to be some thankless days ahead of you. And even if there were a million ba-jillion thanks’s on the way, there’s only so much that will help after months of doing all the cooking, laundry, lifting, dishes, appointment setting, and more! It’s gonna be hard and sometimes you are going to be so over it.

Short Reads

• Caregiver Dot Org Article, “The Emotional Side of Caregiving”

• Parent Dot Com Article, “18 Ways to Care For Your Pregnant Partner”

• The Manual Article, “How to Support Your Pregnant Partner”

• Is one of the new things you need to do meal-planning, grocery shopping and cooking and you have no idea where to begin? Try one of these articles…Kitchn “The Beginner’s Guide to Meal Planning” or “Meal Planning for Beginners” and here’s a link for more sample meal plans than you could dream of.

Do

• Do things without being asked…sort + wash + dry + fold + put away the laundry, meal plan + grocery shop + prep + make dinner, throw some WD40 at that squeaky door. Go nuts with the unprompted helpfulness! Here’s a great list of household chores from Parachute if you’d like some ideas.

• Do things the first time you are asked, without needing a reminder. I know, I know it’s a bitchy sounding thing for me to say! And that’s why it’s not listed on any of the website links above, because they are being very very nice. Which is important. But so is honesty. And honestly, reminding people to do things is so stressful and if your partner is doing it it is stressing her the fuck out.

• Remember to take time for yourself. We love you and want you to be happy! And we want you to keep loving us, which means you need to not hate your life.

• Go to the gym and get those endorphins! They’ll help with general mood. Not to mention that we are probably not having sex with you (despite the fact that websites love to pretend that “increased libido” is a common side effect of pregnancy) and we are sorry … some extra endorphins may help? Again, sorry about the sex.

• Reach out to her relatives and friends and ask them to help you help her. It will make them very happy to be able to help, it will make her feel surrounded in a big-ole-hug, and it’ll help take the load off of you.

Buy for Your Partner or Request As A Gift

• This nausea care package from Sunflower Motherhood

• Or this one from Bump Boxes

• Something nice for yourself! You deserve a bit of treat-yo-self!

A gratitude practice.

If you have ever thought of picking up a gratitude practice, now’s a great time. There are a lot of ups and downs ahead and with everything being so overwhelming, the downs can drown out the ups. Which is bad for your health and your heart. According to health.harvard.edu:

In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.

And if HARVARD says it’s true, then it must be.

Short Reads

• Harvard Health Article, ”Giving Thanks Can Make You Happier”

• Berkeley Greater Good Article, ”How Gratitude Changes You and Your Brain”

Do

• Say three things you are grateful for right now. Right now!

• Begin a gratitude journal (see two examples below)

Buy for Yourself or Request As A Gift

• The Five Minute Journal

• Papier’s Customizable Gratitude Journal

TLDR: Effective Planning

I’m one of those people with lists of lists so, unsurprisingly, I’ve read a lot of books, articles, blogs, Reddit posts, etc. about effective planning. Here is what I’ve absorbed so that you don’t have to spend hours down that rabbit hole if you have other things to do or just plain don’t wanna:

A good plan is specific (see below, #s 1 & 2), has a defined schedule (#s 3 & 4), considers financial cost (#5), accounts for peoples’ skills (#6), and has an abort mission strategy (#7). See two examples below.

Example A—Executing a simple plan: “You do all of the laundry plz thx!”

At all points, aim to be flexible, kind, empathetic, open-hearted, and a creative problem solver. Writing the plan down is a magical power-up.

1. State the thing to be planned … I would like to not do laundry for a while because I feel overwhelmed/tired/pukey and having this taken off my plate would be helpful. Let’s make a plan for you to do the laundry for us until I feel better.

2. Break it down … “Laundry” = sorting, washing, drying, folding, and putting the laundry away.

3. When does the plan get done? How much time should be dedicated? … I wash clothes once a week. Linens and other stuff bi-weekly. I do it Sundays but you could do it whenever works for you. But, we could probably stretch clothes to every two weeks and everything else except towels to once a month if you prefer.

4. When does the plan start and complete? … Can you start next week? I think that in three months or so I’ll feel less overwhelmed/tired/pukey, so let’s talk about me taking the laundry back as my chore in three months.

5. Associated costs? … none in this example if you all split costs, but if you are asking a friend, family member, or anyone else with whom you do not already split costs, money should be discussed.

6. Knowledge & skill share … Should we do the first week or two together to ease the transition and so that I can answer any questions that come up?

7. Contingency plan … If it turns out that this just doesn’t work out, what’s our backup plan? Would you be OK with dropping off and picking up at a laundry service? Let’s Google to see how much that costs.

Example B—Executing an OMFG complex plan: “Let’s do the nursery before the baby comes!”

At all points, aim to be flexible, kind, empathetic, open-hearted, and a creative problem solver. Writing the plan down is a magical power-up. This plan is considered more complex than the one above because some things in step #2 would need their own little mini plans!

1. State the thing to be planned … Let’s have the nursery ready before the baby comes!

2. Break it down … Pick a room, empty the room out (trash, donation center, re-home items, store items), decide the furniture layout, do we want to make it a “yes” space?, research/select/sketch a design, paint the walls, get that hole in the window fixed, design/purchase-materials-for/paint the mural wall, pick/buy/hang curtain rods, pick/buy/assemble/install furniture, refinish your grandpa’s rocking chair, pick/buy/hang wall art, pick/buy/install shelving for the closet.

3. When does the plan get done? How much time should be dedicated? … Let’s work on things in the list above every Saturday (max 3 hours) until the nursery is done.

4. When does the plan start and complete? … Let’s start the action list this weekend and plan to be completely done in three months.

5. Associated costs? … Let’s try and have an overall budget of $2500. I’ll make a spreadsheet where we can write down what we’d like to spend on each thing to help us to meet that budget.

6. Knowledge & skill share … I’ll do the budget stuff because that’s my jam. You do the design stuff because you’re so stylish! Let’s call your brother-in-law to see if he can help with furniture assembly and the closet install - he’s so handy! I love Tabitha’s nursery closet system, so I’ll text her to see where she got that. Maybe your niece can make some nice wall art for her baby cousin? Can you text your sister to ask if she’d be into that? I think we should be able to take care of everything else ourselves.

7. Contingency plan … I’ve heard that a lot of people don’t get the nursery done before the baby comes. What is the bare minimum that we would want to have ready? Let’s make a list. Are there any other items on our list that we can have someone else do for us or pay someone to do? Let’s make a list.

The ability to ask for help without guilt, and to accept help with grace.

You may not have much—or even any—morning sickness. Or you may be like me and feel like you are suspended in a completely debilitating, eternal hangover for three months. Either way, maybe starting now and definitely starting soon, you’re going to need more—much more—help than you are accustomed to asking for. And once the baby comes…wowza. No time like the present to begin learning to ask for help and to feel comfortable leaning on others if that’s maybe not something you are currently great at.

Short Reads

• Headspace Article, “Asking for Help Can Be Awkward. But It Doesn’t Have to Be”

• New York Times Article, "Why is Asking for Help So Difficult?"

• Parent Magazine Article, “How to Get Your Husband to Help (Written by a Husband)”

• Psych Central Article, “How to Ask Your Spouse for Support”

• Blog Post, “Five Reasons Asking for Help Sucks”

• Parent Magazine Article, “7 Tips to Rock Pregnancy When You’re Doing It Solo”

• When you look up “how to tell my boss I’m pregnant,” almost very nearly every single article will say “wait until 12 weeks.” That’s fine advice. But there are some situations, where waiting doesn’t feel like the best option. I can speak from a bit of personal experience here. I was soooooooooooo sick that it didn’t seem best for me to not give a reason, or to only give a vague reason, why. Give this article a read if you think you may need to say something at work before the first trimester is over. While this article speaks specifically to pregnancy after loss, it may also be helpful to anyone experiencing difficulties during the first trimester that could make it difficult or undesirable to conceal the pregnancy from employers. Bravo to these writers for taking on a tough topic. | Article, “How to Tell Your Boss You’re Pregnant after Loss.”

Watch or Listen

• Ted Talk, The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown

Do

• One small ask: The next time someone offers to (no-strings-attached) help you with something, say yes!

• One big ask: Identify what recurring chore you’d most love taken off your plate for a while (e.g. laundry) … identify who could take that over for you. Talk with them about it and make a plan together.

Buy for Yourself or Request As A Gift

• Take out for dinner … or lunch … or even breakfast!

• A laundry service

• A visit from a cleaning service

The ability to celebrate (even small) victories.

Congrats! You’re expecting! It can be hard to celebrate because so much is unknown and it feels like so much can go wrong. You don’t want to jinx it or get ahead of yourself! But if there’s one thing you’ll need when the baby is actually here it’s the ability to celebrate the small stuff.

Short Reads

• Psychology Today Article, "Celebration Time"

• Psychology Today Article, "The Amazing Power of Small Wins"

• Forbes Article, "Recently Succeed At Something? Celebrating is Good for Your Brain"

Do

• Have a celebratory dinner with your partner, a friend, or a loved one.

• Take a “month one” baby bump picture and start a shared album.

Buy for Yourself or Request As A Gift

• Buy yourself (or your partner) a small treat to celebrate - think flowers or really nice chocolates. Try for something inexpensive and ephemeral (like flowers, or really nice chocolates).