I was listening to this parenting podcast one day and the host and her guest were like “Forget a baby registry, what we really needed as new moms were a lot of emotional tools. Why isn’t there an emotional baby registry where you can get resilience and stuff?” And I thought man. That is a good idea. In that spirit, I wish for you …
The ability to ask for help without guilt, and to accept help with grace.
You may not have much—or even any—morning sickness. Or you may be like me and feel like you are suspended in a completely debilitating, eternal hangover for three months. Either way, maybe starting now and definitely starting soon, you’re going to need more—much more—help than you are accustomed to asking for. And once the baby comes…wowza. No time like the present to begin learning to ask for help and to feel comfortable leaning on others if that’s maybe not something you are currently great at.
Short Reads
Headspace Article, “Asking for Help Can Be Awkward. But It Doesn’t Have to Be”
New York Times Article, "Why is Asking for Help So Difficult?"
Parent Magazine Article, “How to Get Your Husband to Help (Written by a Husband)”
Psych Central Article, “How to Ask Your Spouse for Support”
Blog Post, “Five Reasons Asking for Help Sucks”
Parent Magazine Article, “7 Tips to Rock Pregnancy When You’re Doing It Solo”
When you look up “how to tell my boss I’m pregnant,” almost very nearly every single article will say “wait until 12 weeks.” That’s fine advice. But there are some situations, where waiting doesn’t feel like the best option. I can speak from a bit of personal experience here. I was soooooooooooo sick that it didn’t seem best for me to not give a reason, or to only give a vague reason, why. Give this article a read if you think you may need to say something at work before the first trimester is over. While this article speaks specifically to pregnancy after loss, it may also be helpful to anyone experiencing difficulties during the first trimester that could make it difficult or undesirable to conceal the pregnancy from employers. Bravo to these writers for taking on a tough topic. | Article, “How to Tell Your Boss You’re Pregnant after Loss.”
Watch or Listen
Do
One small ask: The next time someone offers to (no-strings-attached) help you with something, say yes!
One big ask: Identify what recurring chore you’d most love taken off your plate for a while (e.g. laundry) … identify who could take that over for you. Talk with them about it and make a plan together.
Buy for Yourself or Request As A Gift
Take out for dinner … or lunch … or even breakfast!
A laundry service
A visit from a cleaning service
The ability to peacefully make decisions as a couple.
It is quite likely that never in your life have you and your partner had to make So.Many.Decisions. together. By adulthood, much of our lives is a bit set-it-and-forget-it. We just aren’t deciding much more than “should we order in Pad Thai or pizza for Saturday movie night?” on a regular basis. But now your life is going to go from basically the same every day to basically something new every day. And if one (or both!) of you tends gets a bit snippy when pizza wins and passive-aggressively sulks during the whole movie…wellllllllllll imagine that weekly dust-up becoming a five-times-a-day dust-up. It’s not gonna feel great.
Short Reads
Fatherly Article, “How to Make Better Joint Decisions”
GQ Article, “How to Talk About Big Life Decisions as a Couple”
Prepare Enrich Article, “3 Keys to Decision-Making Without Resentment”
Gottman Institute Article, "The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling"
Listen
Do
Read any of the linked articles above together (out loud) and discuss. The Gottman Institute article gets you extra credit points!
Sit down together for a conversation about how you both feel about how you make joint decisions. Be sure to talk about a joint decision that went well and what about that process felt good for both of you.
Think of the last decision you all made together that didn’t go well. Discuss how you wish things would go if you could have a do-over.
Ask yourself: Are there any decisions I’m avoiding bringing up or making because I am worried it will create conflict?
Buy for Yourself or Request as a Gift
Consider a couple’s therapy session or a couple’s workshop
If you are religious, ask your pastor/priest/rabbi/… if couple’s counseling is offered at your place of worship
The ability to celebrate (even small) victories.
Congrats! You’re expecting! It can be hard to celebrate because so much is unknown and it feels like so much can go wrong. You don’t want to jinx it or get ahead of yourself! But if there’s one thing you’ll need when the baby is actually here it’s the ability to celebrate the small stuff.
Short Reads
Psychology Today Article, "Celebration Time"
Psychology Today Article, "The Amazing Power of Small Wins"
Forbes Article, "Recently Succeed At Something? Celebrating is Good for Your Brain"
Do
Have a celebratory dinner with your partner, a friend, or a loved one.
Take a “month one” baby bump picture and start a shared album.
Buy for Yourself or Request As A Gift
Buy yourself (or your partner) a small treat to celebrate - think flowers or really nice chocolates. Try for something inexpensive and ephemeral (like flowers, or really nice chocolates).
A village.
Of course we all know that “it takes a village.” But like, um, where does the village come from if you don’t live near your family? Or don’t like them? Or just moved to a town where you haven’t made any friends yet? Or none of your friends have babies and what if they just don’t get it!?! Or maybe you are surrounded by a village already but just don’t really know how to reach out, or what’s appropriate, or or or or or or. So yeah, the village is great and necessary but it also takes some doing.
Short Reads
Today’s Parent Article, “How to build a village”
NYT Article, “How Many Friends Do You Really Need?” TLDR: 3 to 6!
Long Reads
Book & Audiobook, Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make—and Keep—Friends
Academic Research Article, “How many hours does it take to make a friend?”
Do
Start saying “Hello” to other parents with children that you see when walking around your neighborhood.
Map out the nearest park with a playground in your neighborhood. Start hanging out there (bring the dog, picnic, take a jog, etc.) to begin scoping out and becoming part of the scene.
Connect or reconnect with a friend, sister, cousin, etc. with young children by meeting up for lunch or coffee.
Let anyone and everyone you know with young children that you’re happy to take any hand-me-downs off their hands.
Join your local Facebook or WhatsApp mom-group and/or buy-nothing group.
If you are religious—even lapsed!—now could be a good time to connect/reconnect with your spiritual community.
Buy for Yourself or Request as a Gift
A pre-natal class, these can be a great way to meet other parents.
A pre-natal exercise (e.g. yoga) class pack.